It is no shock that the thought of death is scary for pretty much every single human. Regardless of your background (education or religion), I don't believe there is anyone who is 1000% at ease at the thought of death. There are many who are able to see it from a very unique and empowering viewpoint but overall, most are scared.
So, how can we get over this fear and anxiety? How can we help patients who are riddled by it?
As a death doula working in hospice, I see many individuals near the end-of-life. One thing I can say for certain is that most of them feel comfortable by the end and have processed the feelings. This isn't true for them all, but is for the majority. Below I've outlined a few ways that I think can help individuals process the anxiety of death, but the most important aspect to consider is that we're all different, and we are all uncomfortable with the unknown... it's human nature :)
Be open to discussing it, even when it's scary. I am currently a naturopathic medical intern and I've seen a handful of patients over the last 6 months who have death anxiety... and what I'll say is that I'm the one who has openly brought the conversation up. From a health care provider standpoint, mental health is HUGE. Every single patient, every single human being has some form mental health struggle. This can be depression, anxiety, mental disorders, or even just stress. I've had patients who have openly spoke about these struggles and it's upon inquiring more have I learned the fear they have about dying. There is no "easy" way to approach death anxiety, and just like everything else it is highly individual. So, what do I say and do when this happens?....
Inquire further until you fully understand. So often these conversations go like this:
"Tell me how you're doing?"
"Physically I'm okay, mentally I have a lot of anxiety"
"Anxiety about what?"
"I have a lot of anxiety and fear about death"
"mmm yeah, that's hard"
.....End of convo
We must inquire further! What is it about death? Is it the unknown? Fear of pain? Fear about disease or trauma? Fear about loved ones dying? Fear of the lights just "going out" and it being "black"? Do they have any previous experience with any form of death or trauma? Did their family ever speak about death as they were growing up? Any movies or shows that they found hard to watch? How are their relationships with friends and family currently and growing up? Is it a fear that they won't accomplish everything they want to accomplish? Is it money related? How does this anxiety feel for them? How is your body and mind affected by this anxiety? There are endless amount of questions to ask someone when they bring up death. So so many questions and ways you can take the conversation. It's important to actually understand what the root of this anxiety stems from... it's most likely multiple things.
Thank them for being vulnerable. I think something that is vastly underutilized or appreciated is thanking a patient or friend for being vulnerable enough to talk with you about whatever it is they just said. Vulnerability is something that most people really have to learn and work on. Again, it's something that is really uncomfortable to do but also something we all must practice at some point in our life.
With death still being a culturally "taboo" topic in North America, it makes it incredibly hard to be vulnerable around it... so please do appreciate when someone opens up to you. It's a privilege to hear their inner thoughts out loud.
How can we help? From a friend standpoint, the most you can do to help someone's death anxiety is to continue being a listening ear and shoulder to lean on without judgment, toxic positivity, or constant ideas how fixing it. From a healthcare practitioner standpoint, not only is it helpful to be that listening ear, but we can also help support their mental, emotional and physical health in other ways:
First we have to understand how much this fear and anxiety is affecting their life. Some might experience sleep difficulty, or it may affect eating, exercise, concentration, etc. Helping to support those "symptoms" I think is a great place to start while ALSO continuing talk-therapy or referring out for psychotherapy support to help address the underlying cause.
It takes time. If someone has had a lifelong fear (subconscious or not) about death, it's not just a "one talk" treatment. This is something that you'll check in on and ask about every time you see them, or periodically throughout your time together.
Realize that it's not ever going to fully go away. The goal isn't to erase the fear or anxiety of death and dying, it's to help the individual continue to live in a good mental, emotional and physical state, with it.
Death is hard. It will never be an easy topic or feeling, but there are ways we can help support individuals through the fear and anxiety of it.
As always, I hope you found this helpful. If you have any questions or comments, I would love to hear from you!
Be well,
Loreal
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