Do you know how to support a grieving friend? Do you ever wonder what you could do to let them know you care? In this blog post I wanted to write about support I have received from friends (and continue to), which has helped me feel an ounce better; more connected and secure as I go through a really hard time.
Before losing my dad, I would have absolutely no idea what to say or do if a friend of mine lost someone close to them. Apart from a sad face, head tilt and "I'm sorry for your loss", I would have no idea what else to say, or what to do for them. Now, I have the experience of losing someone and the experience of listening to people say insensitive things (or not know what to say). This isn't to shame anyone by any means - saying something is better than nothing... but there are ways you can show further support even from a distance, to a friend you care for.
I thought I'd just put a list of what people have said/done that have helped me feel less alone, and expand upon them:
Speaking about the person who has passed, and letting your friend know you're thinking of them: "Your dad sounds like an incredible man", "Sending condolences to you and your family, your dad seems like a warm and great man", "I'm thinking of you and your family", "He seems like such a warm and kind man, my heart goes out to you and your family", "He was such a generous and thoughtful man". These are a few comments/messages I received that spoke about my dad, that addressed him, that helped me know that he was loved by many others, while also feeling that people cared for me and my family. To go further - many people think that talking about the person who has passed will make their loves ones sad. It does.. but not in the way you may think. It may make them sad but also feel good because despite their loved one being gone, they're still very much alive. Grieving people don't want their loved one to ever be forgotten, so they want to hear people speak about them... they want to hear memories. I can't speak for everyone, but I know many feel this way. If the family has a guest book (online or physical), it's also great to sign it and/or write thoughts and memories in it.
Flowers, gift cards, notes/cards. It means the world when friends, family even people you hardly know send you a note, a card, even a small gift to ease a burden. A note expressing your love and care goes a thousand miles.
Videos/meme's. There's a few friends that have sent me their condolences, but also continue to send me videos/pictures, anything to help me smile and I've appreciated that. I've appreciated that they still know I exist, that I'm not a bad friend, that I still should smile even if I don't feel like doing so.
Food. I've had friends offer to cook me food when I came back to Toronto because they knew I was gone for a few weeks and wouldn't have food left in the fridge. That truly means so much to even offer such a thing.
Continued messages. I'm pretty open on my gphealth_loreal Instagram page about how I'm doing - not for the want of messages, but because I've received so much feedback from others also struggling with grief that have appreciated my vulnerability. With that said, I still have friends message me to check in sending their love and strength. It's been a few months now, and it's nice to know that they haven't forgotten, that they care enough to take a few minutes out of their day to shoot me a message. Through my Insta, I also hope to educate those who haven't gone through loss before. I have a lot of med students and doctors following me and death education is so important for their future careers, something we won't get much education in during our schooling. Any modality/specialty you practice in you will have patients who either die themselves or have loved ones die. You need to understand how to help them emotionally, physically and mentally as they grieve.
Grief resources. I have had friends also send me resources on how to get grief support or videos with messages about grief/loss. These are so important and have really helped me. Many people hide their grief (which I do think that I do to a certain extent in person), so it means a lot to have a friend reach out to make sure I get support.
Music. I've had 3 friends send me a message with a link to a song that they were listening to and thought of me. This is truly special to me. I have appreciated the songs, appreciated the thoughtfulness, the sentiment.
Be patient. To the friends I have had to cancel plans on - it means a lot when you're patient, understanding, and still reach out to me later on to reschedule. Sometimes things come up, some days I don't feel like going out. I appreciate when friends still reach out and want to reschedule plans.
There's no timetable. Going along with being patient - please understand that a grieving person doesn't truly stop grieving. They will forever be changed. Continue to be patient with them, continue to support them, to talk to them, to be kind.
Just think. Think about your friend - think about who they are as a person, think about the person they lost... try to put yourself in their shoes. Listen to what they say, what they post, what they appear to be like in person. Think about what you would want to hear/not want to hear if you were experiencing what they are. Instead of saying "you're so strong" say "Though I can't imagine what you're going through, I can see the amount of strength you have mustered. I'm proud of you, and I am here for you". Instead of saying "how's school going?" say "I see you're going back to school, is there anything I can do for you - do you need anything - I'm proud of you for not giving up, I am here if you need support". I always see the quote "be the person that you needed when you were younger"... please be the person you would need if you were grieving.
The last point I want to talk about is the funeral. If you're able to attend the funeral, please do. Even if you haven't seen your friend for years or if you've never even met the person who has passed - go anyway. This is truly the biggest way you can show support; by simply being there. Taking time out of your day to show up and show support... it will mean the world to them. I will never forget the people that showed up for me, that took time out of their day to just simply be there, to make me smile on a day I'd rather not. I'll never forget what they did for me.
Hopefully you can take something from this post because whether we like it or not, every single person on this planet will grieve someone/multiple people. There isn't enough education out there on grief, death and dying but I do plan on posting about these topics more in hope to spark further interest, research, and learning in you.
Stay supportive, empathetic, healthy and happy,
Loreal
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